Crawl

I was writhing on my bed, the ache in my heart was so deep, it pulsed pain through my limbs and back again, moving my body against the sheets seemed to soothe the hurt. Tears gushed from my eyes, blurring my vision and flowing red hot down my cheeks, my nose was so full of mucus I could hardy breathe, the sobs rocking my body and exhausting my lungs as I let them cry out from my mouth. My room was dark and cool in my otherwise silent house, such a contrast to the hell I was feeling, my head seemed full of chaos and my skin felt like it was trying to crawl off of my body.

I felt like a complete and utter failure. Heavenly Father, I pleaded, Why do I have to go through this? Why couldn’t I have just married the right man in the first place? I try so hard to be a good person and do what is right, I am a good person I try my best to do what I have been asked to do. I just want to be married to a good man, to have more children, to create a happy family. Why do I have to go through this?!?!

Sometimes it is the pain of not knowing, of not understanding of trying and failing that hurts the most, and when the time is right, offers the sweetest victory.

In my journey to heal and grow from being in a marriage where I experienced domestic violence, I have learned a lot of hard truths, like we are the creators of our own life, and we bring into our lives the experiences we have. I still am expanding my understanding of this, and for me, I believe I have discovered a bit of why I allowed Domestic Violence to be a part of my life.

Part of it is because I have always been a people pleaser, I learned this technique as a child, when I did things like clean my room and do my chores, my parents were happy, when I did not, they were angry, it seemed simple. My actions made other people happy or angry.

I have had challenging relationships with men in my life. My grandfather sexually abused me as a little girl, between the ages of 4 and 8, my dad, while he loved us dearly seemed to always be at work and has never been the physically affectionate type, my brother was six years younger than me and we spent little time together, I grew up away from most of my family and so did not have uncles or cousins (male or female) to play with. All of these factors culminated in me being very uncomfortable around men. To this day I still have to consciously allow myself to not back away from men and not distance myself from them. It is an ongoing challenge.

I did not date in high school, primarily because I think I must have had this giant don’t come near me vibe going on. So when I met my ex, two years after high school, he became my first ever boyfriend. It felt good to have a man in my life, and to receive that love and attention we all long for. In retrospect, I see I was also giving off this vibe of My job is to please you, and I do not know who I am, you can tell me what to do. Little wonder I ended up in a relationship with just that.

Now I have to make an effort to change my thinking, to change what I want in life and out of a relationship. It isn’t easy, as with all things worth while, it takes work. I still have failures and I still have heart aches, and I still keep going.

Every morning I say this out loud, I wrote it to help remind me how amazing I am and to retrain my brain. Some people call this kind of affirmations or declarations. No matter what you call it, I just know it works.

I am amazing. I am worth fighting for. I am worth making sacrifices for. I am worth being in a relationship with as I am right now. I am worth marrying. I am worth spending time with. I am worthy of gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, appropriate physical touch, and quality time. I being told I am beautiful. I am being spoken highly of by others. I am being supported in my role as a mother and a future wife. I am happy with my present and my future. I am strong. I own up to my own problems and work to improve my life. I love my son and I am grateful for how amazing and smart he is and his potential. I parent him well. I am confident in my ability as a mother and future wife. I am knowing my ex has no effect on me, our son, or my marriage. I am giving it myself freely and unconditionally. I feminine and embrace both my feminine and masculine energies. I am good at causing men to see, feel, hear, and know what an amazing woman I am right now.

These are the affirmations/declarations I need for me in my life right now. I suggest you get some for you. Feel free to adopt from these the ones that work for you and change and update them as needed.

Also, I suggest checking out Co-Dependent No More. It is a great book to explain co-dependency and learn how to change it.

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3 comments

  1. Pingback: Prego Project – Voicing Violence Award « Sustainably Single Parenting
  2. wonderfulshantelle · December 20, 2012

    Brave. Thank you for this read today. I hope you are doing well 🙂

    • binkilee2000 · December 20, 2012

      You’re welcome. I am happy to do my part to share my experiences with others to help them get through their tough times. Life is good.

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